


Let the sound take you away

by robotwitch



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Gen, crap radio stations from two centuries back
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 10:52:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14768217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robotwitch/pseuds/robotwitch
Summary: Joker enjoys oldies music a little too much to his own chagrin.  Inspired by: http://robot-witch.tumblr.com/post/162210326028 (I can't find the original post)





	Let the sound take you away

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [crap radio stations from two centuries back](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/432818) by zevrantiva. 



“Know what I hate about deep space?  Crap radio stations from two centuries back.  Gosh, we were idiots.”

The commander rolls her eyes like she can’t believe she’s engaged in this conversation.

Joker fiddles with the dials, hoping something better than The Bee Gees will come on.  Much to his chagrin he bobs his head to the beat.

“Just keep it to the cockpit, Joker.  No need to embarrass yourself in front of the crew.”

“Sure thing, Commander!”

\----------

It doesn’t take Joker long to break his hand-waved promise.  Shepard and the crew must endure music of all sorts and varying qualities, spanning at least four decades, and nobody has any idea how to stop it.

Engineer Adams looks at Shepard and shrugs, “Comms are not my specialty.”

Joker’s especially prone to blaring music after particularly successful missions, which is how it becomes a completely irreversible habit.

Worse he starts dedicating songs to things.

_Well, you don't know what we can find!  
Why don't you come with me, little girl, on a magic carpet ride?_

“This is supposed to be for the Normandy?” Ashley asks, looking up from her weapons locker.  “Sounds more like some sort of sketchy abduction.”

“You’re probably not far off.  It sounds like Joker’s congratulating himself for the lack of turbulence during takeoff through a clear atmosphere.”

“That’s one way of taking credit for something you didn’t really do.”

\----------

“Hey Joker!  I’m digging the tunes on the comm!”

“Thanks, Kaidan!  You’re the first one to appreciate my effort to make this ship less stoic.”

“That’s not surprising.  Shepard and Ashley are too marshal for their own good.  Keep it up!”

Kaidan ducks out of the cockpit.

Joker turns in his seat, back to where the commander leans unseen against a console, “You were saying about my use of the airwaves?”

Shepard’s nostrils flare, “I should go.  Kaidan and I need to have a talk.”

“Please don’t murder my only ally in this!” he shouts after her.

Somehow Kaidan avoids dismemberment and Joker finds just the right anthem to thank him for his support.  LMNT is at the top of Kaidan’s playcount in less than a week.

\----------

“Joker!  You shut it off right now!”

Ashley’s got him by the ear.

“Alright!  I will!  I will!  Just let me go!”

She drops him and Joker flips the switch, Karmin’s solo cutting off in the middle.

“That wasn’t so hard was it?”

“Not at all –”

“Good.”

“Because you make it so easy to pick songs that’ll annoy the crap out of you.”

Sometimes Joker wishes his smart mouth wouldn’t get the better of him.

\----------

Shepard looks Engineer Adams hard in the eye, then at Tali, then back at Engineer Adams.

“What’s she doing?”

“I believe she’s dancing, commander.”

“To this?”  Shepard points at the invisible airwaves pumping through the comm systems.

Adams swallows, “Is it a problem, commander?”

Shepard looks back at Tali once more, enjoying herself immensely as Shakira bellows about her truthful, gyrating hips.  Sighing, “Only if it gets in the way of her work.”

Adams salutes, “I can personally vouch that Tali’Zorah’s work remains impeccable.”

With Tali, the score tips in Joker’s favor.

\----------

“I don’t understand.  Are you trying to provoke me by dedicating a song to me?”

“No way, man.  I’m just having a little fun up here with the radio.  I wanted to spread the love, you know?”

Garrus does not look like he knows.  Joker rubs his face in frustration.

Even the best turians are pretty humorless; the likelihood Garrus will get the concept of a loose-cannon cop is pretty slim.  Chances he’ll recognize himself as one are even slimmer.

“Why would Commander Shepard warn me about your musical dedications if you weren’t trying to provoke a response?”

“Do I look like I could take on an ex-C-SEC, six-foot turian who doesn’t play by the rules?”

Garrus considers then, “No.”

“Thank you!” Joker raises his hands in praise.  “The commander’s just messing with you to mess with me, but it won’t work – will it, commander?” he shouts that last bit into her personal comm, which echoes from the CIC.  Turning back to Garrus, “Does that satisfy your curiosity?”

Stiffly, “No.  But then, I can’t get no satisfaction, according to your song for me.”

Joker gapes at Garrus’s retreating back, unsure if the turian was joking or not.

\----------

“How about a little bit of _the_ King for the _King_.”

Wrex is already in a foul mood.  He doesn’t need Joker’s bullshit and he certainly doesn’t want it.  Though Shepard thinks Elvis Presley may the first _good_ thing he’s played.

_A little less conversation a little more action please –  
All this aggravation ain’t satisfactioning me –_

Wrex grumbles something inaudible.

“I’ll get him to shut it off.”  Shepard’s already mentally preparing everything she’s going to yell at Joker, ready to hurl everything she’s got.

“No.  I’ll do it.”

Turns out a little more action from the _King_ is an efficient way to get a little less conversation out of the Joker.

\----------

Having an asari onboard changes people.  Not just a few people either.  Everybody’s got their heads up their asses, like it will impress her or prove to her they’re not animals or something.

Even Shepard’s acting weird.  And she _hates_ asari superiority more than any other Council species.

Well, Joker’s not having it.  He _likes_ acting like an animal.  It’s part of his charm.  He gets being respectful and all that, but he’s not going to go out of his way to change his behavior because he’s afraid she’ll think less of him.

Besides, until further notice, Liara is a member of this crew, so she just better get used to it.  Not to mention, Joker has not seen her smile once since she came aboard, and he’s pretty sure acting like a bunch of mindless mechs isn’t going to fix that.

“In honor of the latest addition to our family, I give you: The Bangles!”

_All the old paintings on the tomb…_

The song fades to the back of Joker’s head as he receives new flight coordinates and his actual job takes precedence.  He’s so focused he doesn’t notice the quiet intruder.

“Are you familiar with ancient Earth cultures, at all?”

“Ahh!” Joker jumps.

“Sorry.  I did not mean to frighten.”

“Don’t mind him, Liara,” Shepard intercedes.  “He just startles easily.  And no he doesn’t.  He just likes irritating the crew and – by extension – me.”

“Oh,” her voice in small.  “Because I was about to say how much I appreciated Mr. Moreau’s welcome.”

Liara smiles; it’s small, but it’s there.  Joker counts it as a win.

\----------

The comm comes to life with a pop.

Shepard, Ashley, and Wrex groan in anticipation of Joker’s latest bit of self-indulgence.  The rest grin behind their cards – well, Shepard assumes Tali’s grinning.

“We’ve got something special for you tonight, ladies and gentlemen – dinos and goddesses.  I know you’ve been wondering, as well as I, if there’s a song out there that could truly capture the essence of our illustrious commander.”

Shepard grits her teeth.  Joker’s got it coming for him.

“Wonder no longer!  Ladies and gentlemen – lizards and birds!  Without further ado!  A toast to Commander Shepard!”

A few bars of The Clash sound throughout the hold and Shepard’s not as irritated as she thought she would be.  Joker could’ve done far worse by her.  This she can live with.

 _It’s always tease, tease, tease –_  
You’re happy when I’m on my knees!  
One day is fine and next is black –  
So if you want me off your back!

Tali’s head tilts in a curious fashion, “Perhaps I’m not familiar enough with human culture, but I don’t see this song’s connection to Shepard.”

Shepard does; her eyes narrow.  Dropping her cards on the table, “I should go.”

_So you got to let me know –  
Should I stay or should I go?_

There’s a collective ‘oh!’ behind her back from Tali and the other silent few who didn’t get it.

 _Should I stay or should I go now?_  
Should I stay or should I go now?  
If I go there will be trouble –  
And if I stay it will be double!

The song follows her into the elevator and as the lift door closes she can hear Wrex snort, “You can bet there’ll be trouble when she gets a hold of Joker’s neck.”

\----------

“Thanks for the tune up, Doc!”  
  
“A pleasure as always, Mr. Moreau,” Dr. Chakwas offers him a hand off the examination table.  Then, out of nowhere, “Given the frequency of your visits, I’m not sure if I should be offended that you haven’t dedicated a two centuries-old song to me or not.”

Joker laughs, “According to some, the answer would be not.”

“Well, if I must endure your use of the comm frequencies, it would be nice to know you spared me a little thought aside from ‘when’s my next checkup’.”

He can’t help himself, Joker laughs again, “I wouldn’t want to make any unflattering associations.”

Without humor, “Mr. Moreau, is that a joke about my age?”

“No, ma’am,” he snaps to attention.

“Good.  I wouldn’t want to reconsider my ‘Do No Harm’ oath.”

Joker nods, mouth open.

The next day, Thomas Dolby is crooning about being blinded by science over the airwaves in Dr. Chakwas’ name.

\----------

They don’t completely ignore that there’s a bigger threat out there, but Saren’s defeat is a victory the crew has difficulty forgetting.

Booze isn’t rationed, schedules aren’t strictly enforced; Shepard gives up on her airwave restrictions and Joker plays whatever he damn well pleases from the classic stations, even if it is total crap – the crew enjoys it.

He blasts his old dedications; plays Kaidan’s at least once in his memory.  New songs find their way onto the set list for Captain Anderson, Admiral Hackett, Engineer Adams, Captain Kirrahe.

Occasionally, they still get flak from the Alliance, the media, and even Navigator Pressley about their non-human shipmates.  Joker turns the dials and finds the perfect ‘fuck you’ song from earth’s own repertoire.

 _We are not alone!_  
‘Cause when you cut down to the bone –  
We’re really not so different after all!  
After all!

“You know biologically speaking, we really are quite –”

“Don’t get technical with me, Liara!” Joker cuts her off.  “Just get in the spirit of the lyrics!  You know, for two millennia, humans thought they were alone in the universe.  I don’t get why most humans are still upset we’re not!”

Liara sighs.

\----------

“Ugh!  What is that awful noise?” Miranda makes a face like she’d entered a toilet which was just occupied by a krogan.

“The price of you pay for having the best pilot in the galaxy,” Shepard puts it bluntly.

“Tell him to shut it off or I will make him!”

_And they’re like, it’s better than yours!  
Damn right!  It’s better than yours!_

“No!  Never mind!”  She slams a load of paperwork on her desk.  “I’ll do it myself!”

“Try not to incapacitate him too badly.  We still need him if you want to stand any chance against the Collectors!” Shepard calls after as Miranda storms out of the office.

And just like that the song is over.  Miranda halts in her tracks, though no less ready to throttle Joker for his obnoxious taste in music, Shepard suspects.

“That one goes out to the Biotic Babe!  Welcome aboard, Ms. Lawson!”

“If he does that again,” Miranda warns, “he’ll need crutches for a decade.”

\----------

Joker knew there was a reason he liked Jacob – as much as he can like any Cerberus lacky – he just couldn’t put his finger on it ‘til he dedicated Lou Bega’s cover of “Mambo No. 5” to Jacob.

The guy is fun and has a good sense a humor.  Instead of griping and moaning over the selection or calling it ‘a waste of comm frequencies’, Jacob enjoys Joker’s game.  Playing the air trumpet and swinging his hips to the music, it reminds Joker of Kaidan.

“You didn’t just pick it for me because I’m black, right?” Jacob finally asks.

“No!  Nononono.” Joker waves his hands.  “You’re smooth; you’ve got a way with the ladies.”

“How would you know?”

Joker shrugs, “I call ‘em like I see ‘em.”

\----------

If anyone’s going to actually make good on their threats to kill Joker, it’ll be Jack.  She makes that quite clear to him during their three-minute introduction, before she crawls into the deepest depths of the Normandy.

Or, if her first words to him were meant to be taken literally, she might screw him until she’s broken every bone in his body, which admittedly would not be that difficult, but definitely painful for him.

Joker treads more carefully with this one.

No need to provoke unwarranted overreactions.

Joan Jett screams, not giving a damn about her reputation or the eardrums of others, and Joker groans at the missed opportunity.

\----------

Mordin has no comment about the song Joker dedicates to him.

Flight of the Conchords fill the passageways with ridiculous notions of friendship, but the salarian ignores it.

Much of the crew think he’s too lofty to have even noticed the song played throughout the ship in his name.  Shepard thinks it’s good there’s at least one person on the Normandy who doesn’t acknowledge Joker’s obsession.

Shepard heads up to his lab to check on him.  Mordin flits about analyzing data and pattering away, but it’s not the typical Gilbert and Sullivan he’s humming.

“Not you too,” Shepard bemoans.

“Always had an affinity for human music,” Mordin beams.

\----------

Joker’s impressed by Thane.

An elite assassin, deeply spiritual, and coping with an illness that will definitely kill him, if one of his targets doesn’t get to it first.

Impressive as being an assassin or even remotely religious is, it’s the Kepral’s Syndrome Joker respects the most.  Vrolik’s Syndrome isn’t going to kill Joker, but most days he doesn’t feel like he can summon the energy to get out of bed, let alone murder thugs.

Hell, on more than one occasion, Joker’s complained to Shepard his bunk isn’t closer to the cockpit.

Thane wouldn’t do that though.  His meditative approach to life strengthens him to the point if syndromes were beatable Joker’s sure Thane would overcome his.

On one of Joker’s more achy days, he dedicates a song to Thane by the most unlikely combinations of artists.  Daft Punk and Kanye West chant how what doesn’t kill them only makes them stronger as a dry laugh comes from behind the pilot’s seat.

“If only that were true,” Thane muses.

\----------

Grunt, Shepard, and Garrus return to the Normandy like conquering heroes.

If the crew had the combined strength, they would lift Grunt above their heads like the local legend he now is.  They more than compensate for that inability with their cheers; they drown out the first verse.

But in perfect tandem with the chorus, Grunt pumps his fists in the air.

 _I get knocked down but I get up again!_  
You’re never gonna keep me down!  
I get knocked down but I get up again!  
You’re never gonna keep me down!

Joker thinks the crew may be cheering even louder now, but the Tubthumping is louder than the yell of the Thresher Maw.  Joker dares to turn it up even more.

He expects a stern look from the commander, but even she gets to bask in Grunt’s krogan glory.  Rather than provoking a response, Joker lets her enjoy the moment too.

The Normandy doesn’t have enough victories like this.

\----------

Joker gets a little too excited about a manhunt than he should.  But Samara’s turned off all non-emergency comm frequencies to Starboard Observation, so he has nothing to worry about with regards to offending her.

Shepard reminds him to not get the crew too riled up; one of them still has to act as bait in the Justicar’s plan.

“Then amp yourself up, Commander!  If your brain’s going to be eaten by an Ardat-Yakshi, might as well enjoy your last few hours.”

“We’re going after her daughter.  Now’s not exactly the time to be jamming to Blondie.”

_One way or another, I'm gonna lose ya!  
I'm gonna give you the slip!_

Always the perfect timing with the damn music.

“You better hope that doesn’t happen.”

Joker blanches, “I’ll just turn this off now.”

\----------

The past’s interpretation of the future couldn’t be more wrong or more spot on.

Like, why did they feel the need to sing to robots in Japanese?  Or addresses them formally?

It bothers Shepard that these are the questions she’s asking herself, instead of yelling at Joker to turn off the Styx.  Legion is perfectly content to ignore, but Tali’s already blown one fuse today.  And implying that the geth have something more to them than hardware and programming might be a step too far.

“Why are you making me turn this one off?”

“Because it’s a sore topic.”

“But Legion’s part of the team.  They need a theme song.”

“And I’m telling you now is not the time to test quarrian-geth relations, Joker.”

“So there might be a time later?”

Shepard sighs.

\----------

 Vega never works out in peace and quiet.

Poor Cortez has to put up with even worse taste in music than Joker’s while he tinkers with the shuttles.  Shepard watches the flecks of annoyance on his face as he tries to weld the Kodiak back together, too polite to ask Vega to turn it down.

Shepard takes two steps towards the marine to shut it off.  But she’s stops in her tracks as Vega complains to the comm that he can’t work out to a song implying someone can _turn Japanese_.  It’s got a horrible beat.

“Wait!  Wait!  Wait!  I got it!” Joker’s voice comes through the comm.

Shepard groans out loud, “This ought to be good.”

The beat changes into something instantly more countable and equally as stereotypical.  But Vega likes it, already swaying his hips to Ricky Martin’s lyrics.

Vega looks up and grins, “Wanna dance, Lola?”  He offers a hand.

“Only if by ‘dance’, you mean ‘spar’, Lieutenant.”  She’s in the mood to hit something.

“Whichever you prefer,” his body still doing the salsa.

Still connected over the comms, “Trust me, Jimmy, you do not want to see the commander dance!” 

\----------

“He compared you to Barbie.”

“I believe, that was a joke.”

“No.  It was objectification,” Miranda corrects the A.I.

EDI stares blankly at them.  Shepard can’t tell if EDI doesn’t understand or is just processing the irony of Miranda’s case against Joker’s latest dedication.

“Barbie: doll series, manufactured by Mattel, Inc.  The fashion icon is over 225 years old has held over 300 careers in the fields of education, medicine, military, political, public servant, science and engineering, transportation, arts, and business.  Her longevity and diverse interests have made her a popular toy and a role model for young girls across Earth’s nations.”

Shepard and Miranda stand agape.

“Correction.  I believe it was a compliment,” she sounds almost pleased?  EDI turns on her heel.

“But that song is not about those aspects of Barbie,” Shepard splutters out.

EDI turns back and just as deadpan, “That was also a joke, Shepard.  I intend to speak to Jeff about this and other matters concerning my new physical form.” 

\----------

Some day this has turned out to be.  A simple fall out of the pilot’s seat turned into full body examination and reevaluation of his meds.  Joker swears it should not take this long to develop x-rays.

And after they’re all done, the doc won’t even let him return to the cockpit on his own.  He can’t believe the excess level of supervision he’s under today.

Approaching the cockpit, music from that horrible deep space radio space drifts toward them – ah! Who is he kidding?

He loves this station!  He loves the terrible, classic music and irritating the crew with it.  He loves that EDI tunes into it during practice maneuvering.  He even loves MC Hammer boasting others’ inability to ‘touch this’ – not the best song, but damn.  If Joker could dance, he would dance to MC Hammer.

The bulkhead opens, the song changes, and all the crew is there.

“Happy anniversary!” they shout in unison.

Joker is stunned to his spot, though he should probably sit before he falls over again and has to spend another half-day in the medical bay.  “What?  Who’s anniversary?”

Shepard hands him a glass of champagne and leads him to the pilot’s seat, “Yours and the Normandy’s.”

“Four years today,” EDI chimes.  Maybe it’s just the shiny metal body, but Joker thinks there might be a gleam of pride in her eye.

A little dazed still, “So all the time in the med bay this morning?”

“A distraction,” Garrus provides.  “Pretty good, right?”

“You guys got me,” Joker grins and downs the champagne, raising it for refill, which Vega is only too willing to provide.

Shepard smiles slyly, “There’s one more thing.”

“Yeah?”

“The crew and I wanted to dedicate this song to you.  What do you think?”

He dimly hears it over the light buzzing in his head.  Another crap song from centuries back that has no business still being on the radio.

Joker rolls his eyes, “I hate the Steve Miller band.”

The crew laughs and more drinks are poured.


End file.
